Sunday, December 02, 2007

Sunday afternoon

So this is part of my new life. I have been in my room the whole day except for breakfast and a quick run to the grocery store. I have been listening to live Ryan Adams the whole day and relaxing and did a bit of writing. It looks like almost everything in my life is going well, I wrote in my journal today that I would give my life an 85% which is actually damn good considering some of the negative factors in my life. I guess it's not that hard to make me happy, something for which I'm grateful but I don't feel as satisfied with my life as I should. I'm doing all the big things, travelling, the art events, going out until 3-4 am on the weekends, eating out all the time, speaking foreign languages and surrounding myself with pretty interesting people, but it somehow feels a bit hollow at times because I don't have someone to share it with. It's okay, I'm getting by but I think I've been in relationships so long (the past 7.5 years) that I'm used to having someone to share my life with and the other person was always the richer for it. I have all these great things happening but no one to share them with. I have to learn how to be more independent again and it's not even that I "depended" on Assiyeah, far from it. We had our own lives and were relatively independent but that trust that allowed us to be independent in our relationship was shattered when she cheated and broke it off. I felt very exposed, and even more so now because I'm in a town with a lot of young attractive women (I'll get to the point, I promise) and I know this is a good thing (great, actually) but none of them know me, none of them want me, or love me or even like me. I'm not sure any of them even respect me as an English teacher (I teach dozens of attractive women) and it feels so weird because here I sit in my living room with no one to hang out with and that's okay because I'm doing exactly what I feel like doing, surfing the internet and listening to music, and I would also be totally happy to be doing something with another person, even going for a walk in the cold December afternoon, or lie in bed and watch TV or play a game or just sit next to each other and read. I'm not really cut out for single life as much, it sounds good on paper when you're better-looking, in better shape and with more money and less wrinkles. It's been going okay for me, all things considered, but I don't mind trading some of the allure of banging other chicks if one of them is making me happy. And that's what I mean. It's pretty easy to make me happy. And that's what is so distressing right now because I don't feel so happy now. Trust me, this should show you how wonderful my life in Freiburg has been for nearly 5 years that this is the low point of my life here. This feeling, however, is still happier than the happiest moment while living in Pennsylvania 5.5 years ago so it's important to keep perspective.

And that's what this is about. I need to regain my perspective because I still have the perspective of someone who has someone. And I don't. And that's why I keep feeling like I'm falling over, because I'm leaning on something that isn't there. I need to stand more upright again and that has many connotations. It's getting time to do something drastic, not in a bad way but you can see if I'm just willy-nilly buying plane tickets to Barcelona for New Year's one day after coming back from 2 weeks in California and that that doesn't excite the living shit out of me, there is a sense of hollowness there. How can I fill that hole?

Going home for 2 weeks will be of immense help. The warmth, the friends and family, and the reassuring time of year called Xmas where everybody loves everybody.

Working out again regularly will also be helpful. I decided to take my running shoes home to CA and try and go running almost everyday that the weather is good. I don't really have much else I HAVE to do while there so...

Getting past my legal problems in Germany will also help. It's this big cloud hanging over my head and it didn't bother me when I was with Assiyeah, I knew that it would be okay somehow. And I know it will be okay somehow but the legal problems and the probable LARGE backpayment to the Social Security (we're talking about 15,000US here) could ruin the things that Ilove about my life here. Am I really going to pay them back? Am I going to go somewhere else? Where should I go? What should I do there? Why should I go there? There's so many factors that are based on things that haven't happened yet and while you don't want to forego the moment, it's important to have contingency plans. What am I gonna do? Ya see what I mean?

I am floating in a way. I am slowly moving forward with goals of mine but I'm not hungry enough. I don't need to purposely make my life more difficult in order to create something noteworthy, do I? I hope not because I'm 33 and think being 10 years older than everyone in the town is enough of a complication. And they're all German! hahaha Ok, not all of them, but you know what I mean.

Well, that's another slice of my life, hope it tasted like something...


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