Monday, December 03, 2007

My maroon journal

dude, I'm an idiot. I gave a journal to Chick A+ to type up. She's gonna get paid for it and stuff, and the reason I needed it was to do some prep work for my next book (A Humorous Guide to Leaving the Country). The journal in question was the 7 months before I left for Germany. That is the crux of the first part of the book, no question about it. However, there is a shitload of personal and disgustingly childish love strewn throughout it. Of course I have good reasons, namely that Assiyeah and I were going to more or less be apart for 7 months except for two 2-week vacations together and I needed to keep the love alive in my heart/soul during that trying time. And, well, it doesn't matter the other reasons, but some are clearer and more obvious than others.

Now, there is good shit in the journal and I'll probably end up using about 3-5% of it and that's okay. But of the other 95%, 60% of that is crap. The other 35% is readable but not good. It's worth it for those good spots but I was such an idiot to give Chick A+ that journal. She's dating me and I give her my most intimate thoughts I put on paper about the last girlfriend. That was from 5.5 years ago but that's not the point and we all know it. I definitely was not thinking clearly when I gave her that book. The next one, from my first year living in Freiburg would have been a far smarter choice. She's going to begin working on that one soon and it should be more normal but that red journal she shouldn't have seen. It's not that I am ashamed of one word in there but it would have been better perhaps to not give that journal to a woman I was occasionally sleeping with. Idiot.

She obviously had many questions for me after she was in italy for a few weeks and typed up 100 pages or so of it. I was blown over by the intensity of the questions and the only way we could have had those discussions was if she already knew what I knew and she knew what she knew but I didn't know what she knew. Men are already at a disadvantage at times of heated/intimate discussion but her also knowing all of my intimate thoughts about the subject in question made it intense. We survived those discussions, mostly because I'm an open person but I didn't really get her concerns as much as I should have. I agreed that there was mushy love stuff in there but I thought she had been characterizing it at times rather harshly.

Well, yesterday I started reading what she had typed up and I was mortified. That poor girl had been forced to type some of the worst overflowering of love worship. I'm still not ashamed of it (remember I had reasons?) but jesus, what an idiot I am to give her that journal. The fact that she's even considering sleeping with me again is a miracle and we should ring the town bells to celebrate life!

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