Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Off Broadway

Hanging round broadway
And I think I thought I saw your face
I was speeding by you....

I was tired as fuck this morning, made some super serious strong coffee and drank a lot in class today. I then came home after 2, went for a jog and then cleaned up my room some more, for some reason it keeps getting messed up and there is more to do but I am just sort of floating here right now and it's okay, just happy to be alive and know that there is future adventure just waiting for me.

Something about me that is not like other people (I'm sure there are others like me but I RARELY, if ever have met them): I recognize the moment for what it is (thanks, alcohol) and often give people a part of my soul, giving them a chance to really have an idea who I am as a person, even giving them stuff of mine or buying them drinks. I do this knowing full well there's a good chance that I will never see or talk to the person again. I did it probably 25 times this past month in the States. I know I've told you about this but I often have no problem giving everything just to get a little in return. The reason for this is because I have so much to give. I have somehow often met people who needed more than they could give. 85% of the time I have no problem giving more than I receive. It's worth it to give someone something they want/need. Sometimes it's a compliment, sometimes it's a t-shirt or a photograph or oral sex...

It's the 15% when I don't get it back when I need it (and why would they give anything back when it was so clear that I was willing to do so much giving) that can be disappointing. It makes me briefly rethink my mentality and how I live life but they quickly subsides when I remember that I chose this, or I was aware that I was developing this way and as I told you, I'd rather be excited about something and then be disappointed later than to never get excited or disappointed about it. I'm one of the few people I know who can give a complete stranger a piece of his/her soul without even a second thought because it just feels so good to share and sometimes you find someone who suddenly appreciates the shit out of it and then you date them for 5 years until the 85% runs out I guess and then well...thank god I still have the 85% somehow. I don't know yet how it replenishes itself over and over again but it always seems to fill up pretty easily. It could come from travelling, it could come from photography or writing or creating beautiful things or seducing attractive women but to be honest, it's a culmination of all of those things probably and it's not even like I'm in charge of it. I'm only along for the ride too, trying to pick people up on my way past them to take them for a ride on this "thing" that I've created...


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