Wednesday, July 25, 2007

We'll see what happens

**Disclaimer** This post is mushy and awkward and intimate and might turn off some people who only want to hear about my last trip or about me getting drunk in the middle of town on a Friday night. This is my blog and there is unfortunately nothing more important for me to blog about than me trying to get over having my heart broken. Continue at your own peril.
I'm here again because I have to be. I think about 5 people are reading my blog regularly and I have been writing in my journal but it doesn't seem to be enough. I have gone though so many emotions the past few days and it's tough walking around Freiburg thinking of all the places we have been together. I had 4 beers last night with Johanna and it was really nice to hang with her. But I need some intimacy. It doesn't have to be sexual in nature but I need someone to put their arm around me and tell me that they like me, they feel comfortable around me and that I am a good person. I know all of these things, I'm actually convinced that I have one of the best lives of anyone on earth, that is, of the mortals who don't grace the covers of magazines or hollywood films. I make enough money to live a nice life but in reality it is a small amount of money. That's the thing. 30,000 US dollars/year and I'm living like it's 60,000 back home. I eat out when I like, have free time I enjoy wasting doing nothing while still accomplish more than I ever could back home. The only real difference for me back home and here is that back home I would be in much better shape and unfortunately, with the weather and food choices here, it's been much harder to keep in shape. I can do it and it'll be good for me but it's hard to get started losing 15-20 pounds. It's so crazy, I have like money laying around my desk, like 150 bucks that I don't even need or know what to do with, I guess I'll bring it home and exchange it or I'll buy some stuff here for the journey home but it's so weird that I had everything I wanted in my life and now it feels like everything I still have has little value. That's a sign of a lower self-esteem. I'm not depressed, I'm just up and down and vacillate between angry and sad and trying to self-medicate and having trouble sleeping and only looking for tuesday morning when I can get far far away from here but then again, I can't wait to get back to start my life over. I have the remnants of our relationship in this room and I desperately need it out of my face so I can begin healing. Seeing pictures of us from 4.5 years ago and 2 years ago and 1 year ago on her closet just make my heart crunch and I start to feel the thin veil of denial dissolving and I'm left with the love I felt for someone not being necessary anymore. It's such a fucking shame, I really and truly loved Assiyeah Joers and it makes me tear up thinking about it but that's the way shit happens. I kind of did the same thing to my last girlfriend in Pennsylvania to be with Assiyeah so I have a much better appreciation for what I did to her and I wrote her an email today apologizing for that.

I don't what to delve down into the depths of taking anyone who likes me. I'm way too cool for that. I have a great life and a bright albeit completely uncertain future. I definitely need a holiday and I've been thinking more and more than next summer is going to be something huge. Maya suggested visiting Janet in Korea and seeing some of Asia and I could totally be down for that but also the idea of Central America really entices me. I am attracted to the possibility of improving my Spanish more and seeing more of Mexico but I'm open. I wanted to share all of this with Assiyeah but she doesn't want it. How do you give something special to someone who doesn't want it? You don't.

My name is Jason and I'm 33 years old. I just had my heart broken by the woman of my dreams and I have to start my life over. I know that I can make my life even better than it was before, and more focused and attempt to put my life into the next bracket of cool people, by getting my photography out there and reworking some of my books and getting together another event, whether it be fashion or a battle of the bands but I want to do some more creative stuff and remember what it is I like about myself. I thought there was everything but for Assiyeah to fall out of love with me with me having very little idea (I had suspicions that things weren't okay) says something about me. Was I blind to her failing affections or did I choose not to see it? I have no idea and I guess it doesn't really matter. A student told me that in German you can say: Other mothers have beautiful daughters. And I hope they're right. I'm just scared to have to get to that point again of becoming guardless in the relationship, where you are completely open to hurt but you know what, of course I'll get there again. The only way to truly love someone is to be willing to get hurt. I have so much love left in my heart. I'm excited but scared about my future. I always had the thought that as long as I am with Assiyeah, my life was going to be great. I have to change that thinking now. My life is going to great anyway but fuck her man, I just wanted to make her happy. I guess I have to make myself happy now. But wait, I've been doing that the whole time! I will keep on keepin on and trust me, there is no need to worry about me. I know that what is happening to me is completely normal and unfortunately quite common. I'm just trying to work through the experience as best as possible so that I won't be too damaged for the next person who wants to try and love me.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, Assiyeah, I wish you all the best and I don't know if we can be friends. If we ever are, it's going to be on my terms and not yours because we spent a good portion of our relationship on your terms which was fine for me until you started kissing some other jackass without telling me. Cheers to you, I hope he appreciates all you're going to bring to that relationship. Yes, that was sarcasm. It's called a defense mechanism, concerned reader, fear not! I'm going jogging soon, then drinking a beer with some students and then dinner with some teachers from the university then I'm going to meet a friend for another drink and then we'll see what happens.

We'll see what happens. That line means a lot more to me now...


At 5:06 PM, Blogger horsty said...

Actually, I just realised, a friend of mine in Mexico is getting married in April and I said I was gonna come.


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